The "How-To" of Sex & Intimacy

May 26, 2015

No gimmicks. No games. No shenanigans.

If your goal was to have as much sex as possible, you would learn to be intimate.


Two reasons:

  1. The ability to be intimate is the single most attractive quality a man or woman can possess.
  2. When real intimacy is experienced, sex is the most natural expression of it.

Studies have shown that when a man admits to infidelity in therapy, he and his wife are more likely to have sex after the session than when they participate in any other dialog.


Yes. Because intimacy occurs when you move beyond your fears and insecurities. It’s when you’re raw and vulnerable. This happens when somebody finally tells the truth about something they’ve held back. Counter-intuitive to the reaction expected in a relationship, it makes the couple more attracted to each other.



Most people confuse intimacy and sex because they think they experience them together. What happens more often is that the experience of intimacy happens first and then leads to closeness or sex. If you’re thinking, “No, what happens before sex is two glasses of wine,” you’re not wrong. In that example the wine suppresses insecurities and you’re more comfortable being yourself around a potential mate. In that temporary, somewhat manufactured state of mind, a version of intimacy is created and a couple might express it physically.  Please note—it does not require the wine!



Deep beneath all your psychological and cultural conditioning is a single desire. Man or woman, it’s a desire to be loved and accepted for exactly who you are. Few moments are more vulnerable than admitting to a spouse that you did something wrong—especially cheating.

Depending on your relationship status and experiences, this might be a necessary step. However intimacy does not need to occur in the context of making a huge mistake and finally fessing up about it. It can be on the first date, the second and throughout a relationship.

I’ll save you the debates between Freudian and Jungian psychology, and “Mars vs. Venus.” A person who looks you in the eye and tells you directly what they think, what they’ve done, or what they believe is cultivating intimacy. They are saying, “here’s who I am.” No gimmicks, no games and no shenanigans. Even if you don’t like what they say or believe what they believe, you feel as though you know what that person stands for.

Intimacy is knowing who you are deep in your soul and then consistently interacting with others that way.

Sound like a bunch of new-age personal development jargon? I can say it very simply too. Identify what you want in your life, spend your time moving towards it, and along the way share it with those who are interested, or you are interested in.

I tell you this: That is intimacy—and intimacy is the single most attractive quality a man or woman can possess.



Very few people stop and take a close look at this during their life. Even fewer make significant changes and open themselves up to deep connection with others. However, if you do, the experience you’ll be rewarded with is powerful beyond words. The closest I can find is intimacy.

Even the best Hollywood actor or director can’t mimic intimacy. When you’re in a real conversation in the real world there are no lights, professional makeup or soundtracks. Nor is there the buzz of the nightclub or the pseudo confidence you had from arriving with your friends. There is only you and the person you’re connecting to. No matter what the circumstances are, it’s an experience of expressing yourself authentically and unabashedly.

When you do, all the “rules” are off. Beautiful women will go for otherwise mediocre men—because you’re honest and have conviction about who you are. The flip-side is true too.  A woman capable of real intimacy will attract nearly any man she wants.

Intimacy often leads to sex and outstanding relationships. It doesn’t mean every one will be “til death do you part,” however you will bond deeply with your partners because there are fewer layers in between. Most likely your experience of intimacy will be multi-faceted. It will include deep conversations, real connection, personal growth, and far more sex than you’ve had before.

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