Intimacy & Sex with Awareness
Sex is not intimacy. You and your partners must bring intimacy to sex. This article offers you a tool to begin whether you're in a relationship or not.
Sexual Intercourse
To be clear, when I say “sex” I’m referring to penis’, vaginas, probably hands, mouths and some anus’ depending on what you’re into. I’m talking about sex as a verb. I’m talking about coitus if you want to be super formal.
Now that we have that clear…
What is intimacy?
I don’t use word-puzzles often, but when they are helpful I do. “Into-me-I-see” is a very simple way to begin to understand intimacy. The next next step is to experience it.
The value of intimacy
Before we get to some exercises to help discover and build intimacy, I want to be clear what the value of it is.
Know yourself deeply. “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” While this is a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche, it was re-quoted by Viktor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. What kept him alive in a nazi concentration camp will also help you enjoy your life to the fullest. As you peel away the layers of self-created coping mechanisms and your attempts to be what the tangible world has told you “you should be,” you will discover who you really are. You will learn to say “no thanks” to opportunities that are not a match and focus on those that are.
Perform exceptionally well, feel good, and probably make more money. While this is not limited to your job, looking at your professional life is one of the easiest examples to see. Ever had a job you didn’t like? How well did you perform and how well were you paid? Probably mediocre at best. How did that feel? Not good, possibly even depressed. Ever had a job that aligned with something you’re passionate about? You were probably excellent at it and if it was performance-based pay you made a lot of money! How did that feel? Not only does it feel good, it’s an infectious, radiating cycle. When you feel good, you continue to perform well, you’re more creative, less fearful, and you easily attract more and more opportunities.
Sexually: when you bring intimacy to sex, sex is a whole new experience. It might be three minutes or three hours long. Rather than being about an orgasm at the end, it’s about rich connection no matter how long it continues. It is creative, exciting, sensual, and more than likely includes some major laughter at some point.
Experiencing intimacy
For now let’s stick to two scenarios. Developing intimacy alone and sharing it with a partner.
Alone
While contemplative prayer and meditation is the best on-going tool for intimacy, the most effective tool to get started is an honest review and accounting of your life. In twelve-step recovery programs, as well as businesses, this is called taking inventory. Recovery programs suggest doing this through resentment, fear, and sex inventories. I have yet to find a better tool. And it is certainly not reserved for addicts—frequently they are the only ones courageous enough to do this work because they’ve run out of options. However, the intimacy created is available to everyone including you. When you review the people, subjects, and/or institutions that disturb you the most, as well as your fears and sexual history, you have the unique opportunity to go beyond the story you tell yourself about what happened and get to the root cause within you. Most likely this will be an emotionally intense exercise. However, the level to which you will get to know yourself honestly helps you identify what you truly desire in life as well—emotionally, tangibly, as well as in partnership.
In partnership
If you are willing to complete this work and prioritize intimate development in your daily life, you will attract others who have done this work and want to connect. These people will become your relationship partners, your friends, your fellowship, and the people you work and play with.
In your primary relationship (s) you will experience the sharing of intimacy and sex. Additionally, that same level of connection will be experienced in the other parts of your relationship. Fears and insecurities manifesting as controlling behaviors or codependency organically transform. Telling a partner anything other than what you know to be true about yourself stops. No more “yes I like your cooking” when you really don’t or “yes” to sex when you really don’t want to. When you know and value yourself without needing a partner, you are open an intimate connection and your best “match.”
For coaching related to a personal inventory, click here to send me an email. Let’s talk.