Relationships and Sex

Relationships with Awareness

This page, and related articles are about enjoying relationships with Awareness. Be sure to read about Awareness to make sure you know what I mean by “with Awareness.”

Whether it’s your current partnership (or marriage), or you are dating and exploring new connections, begin with a deep awareness of the human needs you are attempting to get met via your relationship.

Relationships with Awareness are About Love, not “Success”

I am frequently asked to help people with dating and relationships. Over the years I recognized that the majority of people seeking my help were dating only semi-consciously, or attempting to save a damaged relationship believing that “success” is staying together.

It is my belief is that enjoyable and healthy relationships are an extension of conscious people—those with Awareness—choosing each other. So when I work with couples, I am clear that the goal remains to help each person in the relationship to develop their Awareness-level consciousness, rather than negotiate barely tolerable circumstances just to avoid breaking up.

When both people are operating from Awareness, intimacy develops and enables them to make the best decisions about their relationship. In almost every case, people learn to love more. And to be very transparent, about half the time the partnership ends. But it ends with love.

We Suffer in Relationships Because we Confuse Needs & Strategies

Almost all of us get into relationships without really knowing why.

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D (1934-2015), was a clinical Psychologist and developer of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process. The NVC model was developed and used for peacefully resolving differences at professional and political levels including civil rights activism, however it is equally applicable to one-on-one human relations. Rosenberg’s work is based on understanding the driving force behind our communications.

Specifically, Rosenberg distinguishes universal human needs from the strategies we select (often unconsciously) to get our needs met. This really helps us understand the “why?” of our relationships. You can think of strategies as “what” you want while needs are the “why” behind them.

Here are a list of the needs Rosenberg identifies, followed by synonyms I frequently use:

Connection—Social, Friendship, Companionship, Physical Touch
Play—Joy
Peace—Serenity, Inspiration
Honesty—authenticity
Autonomy—Freedom, Choice, Space, Silence
Meaning—Purpose
Physical Well-being—feeling good

I explain in another article comparing Awareness-level consciousness to “normal,” that behind everything we ever do (beyond relationships), there is an emotional or psychological need that motivates us. Usually that need is as simple as trying to feel good. Other times, our needs are hidden or unconscious. Because connection with other humans is an innate need, we frequently bond in relationships without knowing what is really motivating us.

Needs are separate, and frequently confused with our chosen strategies to get the need met. Whereas needs describe universal human experiences, strategies are particular to circumstances, people and situations. Strategies are how you carry out your need getting met.

Several NVC practitioners suggests this simple way to identify strategies from needs using the acronym PLATO: Person, Location, Action, Timing, and/or Object. When one of these is in your thought or statement, we are describing a strategy. Examples:

“I want you to listen and understand me.”

Person: you
Action: listen and understand

What are the needs? Connection and well-being. There could be others.

“I want you to support me more.”

Person: you

Action: support

What are the needs? Well-being and peace. Again, there could be others.

In relationships, person and action show up frequently, however the other three criteria are frequently relevant too.

If you’re beginning to understand that, let’s look at a macro-level example—marriage.

Why do lots of people get married? At first the answers might come out like this:

Because we are in love

To have a family

It’s just what we do…don’t we?

These are explanations for marriage, but they are not identifying the need getting met. Let’s put it to the NVC model:

“Will you marry me and be my spouse?”

Look for the PLATO.

Person: you
Action: marry me / be my spouse

Marriage, and being married is a strategy—it’s a choice, followed by a ceremony followed by a lifestyle. It is something that you do.

Upon closer look, the possible needs people hope to get met by way of marriage are companionship, well-being in the form of safety, joy, connection, intimacy, and sex (different than intimacy). As unromantic as it might sound, even “to have children and a family” is a strategy. Using Rosenberg’s list, becoming a parent is a strategy that potentially fulfills needs of connection, well-being, joy, and meaning.

Without awareness, not only does this confusion result in breakups and divorces, more importantly it perpetuates unhealthy behavior including resentments, dishonesty, fear and avoidant behavior—all of which affect our well-being. This continues until we examine our mental-emotional (needs) and behavioral (strategies) patterns more closely.

How do Relationships with Awareness Work?

Not only will you become aware of the deeper needs behind your relationship strategy, you will also discern which needs and strategies align your relationship life with your spiritual life—your purpose. You will answer this question:

What is it that I authentically desire to experience in life that a relationship may create?

If we look at this together and conduct a relationship inventory, we’ll also review:

Why was I in each of my past relationships—what needs was I trying to get met (even though I was not aware of them at the time)?
What are/were my unconscious patterns, or strategies?
Now—with awareness—what are my real needs?
Now-with awareness—what type of relationship (strategy) will get these needs met? Or if you’re in a relationship, can I get my needs met in this relationship?

It’s also possible this will not result in absolute clarity. It is a process that will develop over time. If you aren’t clear on your needs yet, you will practice accessing your Awareness consciousness and receiving guidance while participating in your relationship-related activities. We will explore and discuss what you hear during your CPM process.

When I answered these questions as part of my relationship and sex inventory, I discovered a variety of answers depending on when it was in my life.

Some were simple such as:

I liked spending time with her (play/joy)
I was sexually attracted to her (connection)
We laughed a lot (play/joy)

I also looked deeper and found more details demonstrating that my relationship life was an extension of how and why I did everything else in life.

I discovered that sometimes I was in relationships with people who put me on a pedestal (strategy)—this made me feel valuable, attractive and safe (needs). I became aware that this need/strategy combo came from the erroneous perception that I was not enough without this validation.
Other times I put partners on a pedestal by selecting partners that I knew my friends and family would like—they were so attractive or their life was so exciting that it manufactured esteem in me. Again, I became aware this need/strategy came from an erroneous perception that I needed a valuable partner to be valuable myself.
Other times I stayed in relationships to avoid the feeling of being lonely. I was scared, or too lazy to do the work to improve my relationship.

Beyond the needs and strategies alone, I became more aware of the perceptions operating in all areas of my life and the reality that how we do anything is how we do everything. None of this was bad or wrong. It was an honest assessment of my relationships without Awareness. You have this opportunity too.

The value of your relationships before Awareness

All of your relationships have been practice. Human life is not about reading an article and then doing life perfectly. Even without Awareness, there was value in your experiences. There’s no more fertile way to experience the depth of your emotions and awaken to your authentic desire than to go through the ups and downs of flirting, dating, infatuation, communication, risk, vulnerability, connection, negotiation, hurt, separation, and finally—sometimes love.

All this experience—all your experience—through an honest review of your behavior will reveal exactly what your priorities were in the past. You will answer “why?” and see what needs you were trying to get met.

Now—in the present, we will identify what your priorities are, and a healthy way to incorporate relationships and sex to meet those needs. In my life with Awareness, I know my needs in partnership are: companionship, intimacy, sex, laughter, and inspiration. Therefore, my behavior (strategies) are designed to support my identified needs.

My coaching will include guiding you through the process of needs-awareness, and relationship or strategy building. I will help you discern which contribute to spiritual alignment and joy in your life and which are unhelpful, no longer relevant, or fear-based.

When you behave into your relationship and dating activities from this perspective, you will experience real intimacy—something “normal” relationships don’t have.

The cornerstone to a relationship with Awareness is to engage your highest consciousness throughout the process. If you haven’t already, click here to read about the CPM process or here to email me. Let’s talk.